Coffee

Today I sat at my favorite coffee shop in Jonesboro. The espresso machine was broken (that’s a perfect expression of how things are going right now, or kind of not going, I suppose). As the semester is winding down, I have been feeling a lot of nostalgia, but haven’t had much time to dwell on it. I have finally made a moment for myself right now in between studying, but really as a procrastination method. I often think, “Wow, there must be more to life than this.” But as of right now, I truly think that the best thing in life is sitting quietly with my thoughts, outside on a porch, with a beautifully creamed espresso, and nothing else to do or worry about.

When I thought about going to college I had wild ideas about living that kind of life every day, about walking around-me and my imaginary dog- trotting down the cobbled streets like a wise team, sure of each step and what we were doing. That has certainly not been the case, but I have learned that’s just life, and YES, that is okay with me. It’s kind of funny to imagine a life where we can achieve our dreams and have no cares, and sleep, and be active, and healthy. Because, I hate to say it, but that is certainly not realistic. It’s finals time, crunch time, the “Oh my God, my GPA is shit and I will never make it into med school” kind of time. And yes it is rough…

And all the while that that has been happening, I am trying to transfer schools and collect my thoughts and make my peace with Jonesboro. And that is also rough. Because while, yes, I am so done with this school year, and I am not particularly sad to be leaving this place, I am sad to leave the people behind. People make a place, I have always been told and this is entirely factual. A lot of the people I have met here have been complete shit, but the ones who stayed with me have truly been the best. This past school year, I have made friends who have seen me at my worst and best, friends who turned out to not be such great friends, dated one more shitty guy that I can add to my list, lost an organ to infection, gotten a concussion, gotten sick at least once a month (lol, for a potential doctor, my own health is absolutely terrible), and I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot not just about school- which I can answer any chemistry question you may have- but also about myself.

Since high school, I feel like a completely different person. I went from the deep end to the shallow end, to kind of somewhere in between, but at least now I kind of have my shit together and I have set goals which I don’t expect to change. Coming back from a very difficult time in high school, Jonesboro was the best thing for me and happened when I really needed it. Even when I have felt lonely and sad here, I have felt more sure of myself than I ever have in my life. And while I often feel quite stupid because people are great at making other people feel stupid, I am sure of several things:

1. I am not as stupid as I may seem

2. Life happens, shit happens, and in the words of Kurt Vonnegut, “So it goes”

3. Sometimes you have to lose to gain, including relationships and yourself (yeah, that’s right you exes and ex-friends, while you may have been shit, I am better for it now…fight me about it)

4. And I have also learned that I know exactly what I want to do with my life- be a doctor- and that yes, I do have a purpose- to help people- and that while the path to get there may be more than I think I can do, I am sure that whatever is thrown my way, I can handle it. Because I have my mom and my sister, and I know who my friends are, and I know that I can do it. It’s easy to lose sight of that sometimes when you try so hard and just nothing seems to be going right (like my grades currently), but I have been through too much to quit now. I have been through to much to not think that I can overcome. Or at least I hope that if I tell myself that enough it will come true.

And so, I am just going to sit here and sip on my coffee and look over the porch (kind of getting rained on, btw), and despite all of the crap in my life, and the fact that I am still recovering from surgery, I am going to do nothing for a minute and just be that person I have dreamed of being. Because there is more to life than a test, or 7 tests in the next 5 days, and there is more than sitting in a dorm feeling depressed and stressed to maximum levels. And this may be a coffee lacking espresso and cream, but there is no other coffee I would rather have right now.

- Polonium